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Writer's pictureKimbrena Blair

Living in the Past: A Prison of Our Own Creation

A quote I stumbled upon while settling on this month’s theme of reflect and release really resonated with me, and maybe it will you, as well.


“The past is a place of reference, not a residence.”

The past serves as a reminder, it is a teacher if you will, but when we take up mental residence there, we are held back from growth, or even simply the appreciation of “now”. Holding on to the past negatively affects not only our mental but our physical health as well. But why is it so hard to let go? And how can we begin to do it?

 

SETBACKS OF LIVING IN THE PAST:

When we are driving our car, if we were to look only in the rearview mirror instead of ahead of us, where we’re going, what would happen?

When we dwell on the past, it clouds our ability to feel joy in the moment and keeps us from progressing into our best future. It’s an anchor tying us down to past emotions rather than a tool helping us move forward.

When we can’t stop wondering “What if I had…” or “Why did I…” we miss out on what’s going on right now. Because the fact is, life continues forward no matter if we’re paying attention or not. When we are so focused only on yesterday, we don’t get to see the beauty that’s around us, and we miss the endless opportunities ahead of us.

 

IMPACT ON MENTAL HEALTH:

Our mental health is one of the first things to suffer from clinging so tightly to the past. Regret, shame, or anger can send us into a spiral of anxiety or depression. Situations that come up and remind us of unresolved emotions or issues can trigger a fear of repeating mistakes and leave us hunkered down instead of growing forward. When we hang on to the belief that our past defines who we are as a person, we feel worthless, helpless, and our self esteem goes out the window. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, it’s much harder to have optimism about the future, which leads us to never feeling confident enough to take chances. This lack of self-esteem deepens our negative thought patterns, which only degrades our mental health even more.

 

 

IMPACT ON PHYSICAL HEALTH:

We all know by now the intricate connection our mental and physical health has, and how deeply one can affect the other.

This inability to let the past go can manifest in our body as tension, headaches, and various chronic conditions. (The Body Keeps the Score is an INCREDIBLE read for those of you looking to really delve into our mind-body connection) The less great we feel about ourselves, the less likely we are to engage in self-care, and the more our energy levels suffer, the more our mobility becomes limited.

The mind body connection is strong, and when our minds are trapped in the past, our bodies may follow suit.

 

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET GO?:

It’s easy to read and even know the validity of all of these things, but that doesn’t always make it easy to let go. Why is that?

The truth is, the familiar is always going to be more comfortable than the unfamiliar, even if the familiar is actively hurting us. The past is something known, and the unknown future can seem intimidating or even scary. It’s hard to step into the unknown when our self-esteem and sense of worth is torn down due to the very things we’re trying to let go of.

Not only that, but our brains are literally wired to learn from our mistakes and form patterns. The thing is those patterns aren’t always actually good or healthy. Revisiting past mistakes or grievances might seem to help future prevention of similar mistakes, but obsessing over them harms us much more than helps. Instead of learning and moving on, and growing into better versions of ourselves, we live in a cycle of self-doubt, nostalgia, and lack of growth.



HOW TO PRACTICE LETTING GO:


ACKNOWLEDGE, DON’T DWELL: Reflecting is healthy, but we have to resist the urge to endlessly replay situations from the past. Journal what you’ve learned, how you feel, and what you might do differently, and then close the book literally and physically.

FOCUS ON THE PRESENT: Practice mindful movement, breathwork, or meditation to help bring you back to the moment and reduce the power of your memories’ influence over your state of mind.

SET GOALS: When you have something to look forward to, whether it’s small daily habits or long-term aspiration, it can help shift your attention from the past to the present, and find optimism for the future.

FORGIVE YOURSELF & OTHERS: The past can have a power hold on us when we haven’t made peace with things we’ve done or things others have done to us. To forgive someone (or yourself) doesn’t mean accepting what was done was okay, but an acknowledgement that it’s in the past, done, and finished, and it’s time to move on. Releasing the emotional tether that holds you to the past allows healing, and forward movement.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVITY & JOY: Good, healthy relationships and environments are essential for going forward.  When we spend time with people who want us to grow and can see our best, the less likely we are to fixate on old pains. Engage in activities that you enjoy, prioritizing time for self-care and hobbies helps us appreciate the moment, and the joy and beauty it contains.

MOVE YOUR BODY: Our bodies are meant to move! Whether it’s yoga, walking, dance, or any form of movement you enjoy, don’t forget the endorphins we get from physical activity. I can always tell when it’s been too long since I’ve been on the mat or moved my body enough. I start to get uncomfortable, achy, and irritable. That emotional release from physical movement is not to be underestimated!

THERAPY:  CBT therapy especially, but any good therapist can help you identify, and challenge negative thought patterns and habits associated with living in the past. Just because it’s the last on the list, that doesn’t reflect its level of importance. In fact, I strongly believe that EVERYONE should have a therapist and go to therapy regularly. It can be truly eye-opening and life changing.

 


Let’s not forget that letting go does not mean forgetting. Rather, it’s understanding that our past is a chapter, and not our whole book. It’s important to learn from where we’ve been, and equally important to look at where you are now, and where you are headed. It’s what you embrace now that affects the potential of the future.

 

It’s time to step out of the shadows of yesterday, and into the light, and time to release the past and open up space for endless possibilities.

Stop looking back… that’s not where you’re going.



Stay strong,

Stay empowered.

Kimbrena Blair

 

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